April | 2014 | Dru Yoga Online

April 1st 2014

Today the Prime Minster, David Hariom, announced the formation of a new government body for the regulation of yoga postures in the UK. The new body, called the Ministry of Asanas, will be, “bending over backwards to ensure increased flexibility and happiness will become main-stream within the next 12 months.”

Increasingly concerned about how certain postures contribute to green house gas emissions, a statement released today by Portia Pretzel, a Ministry of Asanas spokesperson, announced there will be new legislation to monitor and possibly even ban certain postures here in the UK.

“Minimizing the emission of green house gasses is of primary concern to the Ministry of Asanas. It has been scientifically proven that certain postures, when practiced by yogis of a certain dosha, can contribute dramatically to global warming through the emission of green house gasses. Therefore we will be enforcing strict guidelines restricting the use of Apanasana and the Cow Face pose to green belt areas, as well as introducing strong government recommendations for the proper inclusion fenugreek in the cooking of lentils in yogi’s diets.”

Portia Pretzel, spokesperson for the Ministry of Asanas

Apanasana pose is to be restricted to green belt areas due to the increased emission of green house gasses, Ministry of Asanas officials announced today.

The Ministry will also introduce guidelines on correct alignment, reaching eternal happiness and daily sadhana. On Monday, the UK Shadow Secretary, Ardho Mukswanasana said, “Only postures with a high GHI (Global Happiness Index) would be recommended for daily use by the Ministry of Asanas.”

Speculation as to the exact criteria for high GHI poses has been strongly debated amongst the Yogic Elders for several thousands of years; however, the Swamis are awaiting extra input from the Akasha before publishing their conclusions.

A document leaked from the Ministry this week indicates that a great deal of time and resources has already been ploughed into researching several ‘Inverted Inversions’ including the Inverted Dog, Inverted Shoulder Stand and Inverted Cobra. Sources concur that these poses are likely to rate very highly on the GHI scale, however official documentation is yet to be revealed.

“The Inverted Cobra Posture became popular amongst Lazy Yogis in the 1990s, and is still practiced widely today.” said Dr Heartfelt a Yoga Researcher at Baaland university. “In modern times the Inverted Shoulder Stand is increasingly seen in workplace yoga sessions, and its more difficult cousin, the Inverted Plough, is performed by 98% of the UK every morning when tying shoelaces…”